Confession’s of a Junkie

This story begins in my tenth grade year of high school. Prior to that
year I had always been the “good girl”. I grew up in a very strict
home and had never really been a part of the drug scene. I prided
myself on my ability to say no, to rise above peer pressure. I had big
dreams for myself and was not going to let anything mess that up.
Funny how quick things can spiral out of control.

My boyfriend and his friends had begun experimenting with
prescription valium, such as Clonazapam, Lorazapam, etc.  He would
steal a few from his mother’s purse when she was sleeping. I can
remember friends raving about how the buzz was like a “dry drunk,” but
without the hangover. I had drank alcohol before at teen dances and
parties  and thought it was fun, so it is easy to see why this sounded
great to a high school kid. I grew up in the low rentals, in public
housing, and despite my parents’ attempts to shelter me from the
darker side of life, temptation was all around me. Many of the parents
my neighborhood had no problem selling their own anxiety pills or even
their child’s Ritalin. Most type of valium sold for fifty cents a
pill, so to kids with not much to spend and looking for a good buzz, this was perfect.

Clonazepam-How it all began...

I remember the very first night I tried Clonazapam. My boyfriend had

taken some with a few of our friends and they seemed to be having

so much fun. They were all laughing, telling me how it made your legs
feel all jello-y and you felt so calm and chilled out. I remember
laughing when one of them would say something stupid or slur their
words. It didn’t seem so bad to me, I mean it was better than drinking
and getting all rowdy and sick, right? I asked my boyfriend to give me
some. At first he was reluctant, which I think had more to do with his
fear of my father then his actual concern. We all thought they were
harmless. After bugging him for a while he finally handed me over 4 of
them. He told me to chew them up, not to worry, that they tasted
sweet. So I did. Less than an hour later I was telling him that I
didn’t feel anything, so he gave me some more. Looking back I realize
I was so out of it I didn’t THINK I was high. I took about ten of them
that night. I remember feeling so carefree. I took so many that I was
still high three days later. I mixed my days all up ad I couldn’t
remember which day I had taken them on. We all thought it was funny
though. We had finally found something to get high on that was cheap,
easy to find, and didn’t seem to have any downside. Boy were we
wrong.

My boyfriend and I back when we were on pills.

Pretty soon my boyfriend and I were taking them every day. I
didn’t even want to go to school anymore if I hadn’t taken any. I
thought that they were awesome because they seemed to make me
concentrate better and get things done. I remember staying up all
night cleaning my room or doing my homework for the whole week. I felt
like I was getting so much done, it was the answer to my prayers. One
morning on the way to school we had none left and couldn’t find any
ANYWHERE. Our school was right beside our doctor’s office. I remember
him saying he was going to try to get some from his doctor. Anxiety
runs in his family so he figured it was worth a shot. So he called and
made a DR’s appointment from the payphone. Not even an hour later we
were sitting in the waiting room reading over the symptoms for
anxiety, trying to decide what he should say. Well, needless to say,
his doctor did prescribe him Clonazapam that day. Not only did he
prescribe him FOUR Clonazapam a DAY! He also prescribed him Paxil. I
couldn’t understand for the life of me why a family doctor, who had
been in the practice for almost 25 years, felt that a healthy twenty
year old, with no previous symptoms of anxiety or depression, needed
to be prescribed such a large dose of drugs. I remember we flushed the
Paxil down the toilet, because all we really wanted were the
Clonazapam. Suddenly we had a seemingly unlimited supply of our
favorite drug. Anyone who wanted some would come to us, we would sell
them for a buck a piece and keep enough for us to get high till his
next prescription. This went on for almost a year, with us doing more
and more every time.

Eventually, my boyfriend started hanging out with
my dad, which I thought was great because he was always allowed over.
Little did I know, my father would be the one to first introduce him
to prescription pain pills. I now know my father had struggled with
addiction for quite some time, but because he was always a great
father to me, and my mom never told me, I was oblivious. That
addiction ultimately killed him in 2008 when he was found at the
bottom of an alley in Cornwall, Ontario, where he was visiting a woman
he had met online ( my mother had divorced him shortly after finding
out he was still using) He laid there all night like that until he was
found by a passerby the next morning. He was airlifted to Ottawa where
he was pronounced brain dead immediately. They made the heart
wrenching decision to pull the plug two days later. My dad died in
another province, with his brother and sister by his side. I never
even got to say goodbye. It was later stated that drugs and alcohol
were found in his system. I still miss him every single day.<br />

In February of 2006 I got pregnant for my first child, at the age
of 18. My boyfriend and I had been together for almost five years at
this point and we were thrilled..We were each other’s first and only

Stayed clean from pills during my first pregnancy in 2006

people each of us had slept with. Finally we had a reason to get our
shit together, and we did. We both got clean form the pills and stayed
that way throughout my pregnancy. We were healthy again and everything
seemed perfect. I had my son Cody, in November of 06. I had been
worried about the pills I had been doing before I knew I was pregnant,
but he was absolutely perfect. I was the happiest person alive.
Everyone always said that we were the perfect little family. Things
were great, but it didn’t last.

One night when my boyfriend’s mom took
the baby for the weekend to give us a break. My boyfriend’s friend
told us he had some pills for sale, and he gave us one to “try” for
free. I was a little nervous because I had never done them before, but
my boyfriend had done it once with my father and he was fine. Not
wanting to do too much the first time, we spilt it between us. We
crushed it up on a plate and spilt it into two lines, then we would
sniff it. I remember once it kicked in I was sweating profusely and I
threw up like crazy, but after I was done throwing up I felt SOO GOOD.
I felt so relaxed, I didn’t have a care in the world.  I sat on the
couch nodding in and out of it, but that was the best part, it was such a good feeling. All my problems and worries were a million miles away. That pill was an Oxy-Contin.

We continued to do them here and there for the next couple
months, but only when we had a babysitter. The more I did, the higher
my tolerance got, until I was doing a 40mg pill to myself. I loved it
because after a while instead of nodding I would get this burst of
energy. I could clean the house, make all the calls I needed to make,
do all my errands and still have energy to burn. Pretty soon we were
doing them when my son was in bed. I thought it was helping me be a
better mom because I had all this energy to take care of him, have a
clean house and bring him out to play. And for a while everything did
seem great. Everyone would say that I was such a good mom, always
bringing him out and having this clean house. Little did they know
that this was because I was spending fifty dollars a day on Oxy’s. We
soon found a connection for Hydro-Morphine, another strong
prescription painkiller. We were getting these ones cheaper so we
switched to those instead, cheaper being 50 bucks for 24 mg. But every penny was well worth it at the time. I remember always trying to fight the “nod.” Who wants to spend that kind of money just to sleep. We would go back and forth nodding in and out. Awake. Asleep. Awake. Asleep. I had burn holes in all of my shirts from dropping cigarettes on the nod. I would try to eat and end up with my face in a plate. But nothing, NOTHING, could beat that feeling. At first if we didn’t do a pill for a day or two we didn’t feel sick or anything, we would be cranky but that
was it. There seemed to be no physical side effects. However, that
soon changed for the worse. But because our bodies were used to having
that minimum dosage each day, soon when we didn’t have a Hydro to do
we would be sore all over. And if we didn’t have one for a couple of

days, that would progress to EXTREME muscle aches and pain, diarrhea,

We purchased a pill crusher at the local dollar store

vomiting and nausea, hot/cold sweats, the shakes. That is when we
began selling and pawning our belongings for pills. I felt like I
couldn’t even get off the couch if I didn’t have one. I would be so
sick. I was starting to see the bad side of our pill use, but we were
already in too deep. While I always made sure my son was fed and
clothed and still did things with him, I was far from the best mom I
could be. I was a great mom if I had a Hydromorphine in my system, but if I
couldn’t get my fix, I could barely move, let alone play with my
child. We managed to quit cold turkey a couple times, which was HELL
on earth and actually very dangerous to do. One time my boyfriend’s mom took
Cody for two weeks so we could come off the pills. We didn’t move off
of the bed for almost two weeks straight, we were so sick. But the
sobriety would never last more than a month or two, and each time
would fall back on the Hydro’s and Oxy’s, we would fall even harder.

It wasn’t long before we were ripping of anyone and everyone to get
our fix, and when we couldn’t find a pill we would substitute it with

Oxy-Contin...Hell in a pill

Cocaine instead. We were spending up two 150-200$ a DAY on pills and
when we wouldn’t be doing pills we would be sniffing coke and smoking
crack! It was a vicious cycle. I pawned all the rings that had been
given to me by my boyfriend and my parents. I wrote bad checks,
frauded my bank account a few times, stole from stores to sell the
merchandise for drugs. So many things that I would have NEVER even
contemplated doing only a few short years earlier had now become part
of my everyday life. I went from a healthy 125 lbs, Size 7 jeans to
98lbs and a shocking size 00. I was fading away more and more everyday
as was my boyfriend. We were always enabling each other, if he would

Hydromorphone-Our preferred drug of choice.

say he didn’t want to do pills anymore I would bug him to get one and
vice versa. Our relationship revolved around pills. When we were high
we got along great but when we weren’t we even talked and fought
CONSTANTLY. I would stay home with Cody while he would go hustle for
our next fix. Child Protection eventually got involved and our son had
to stay with my boyfriend’s mom for two weeks because we failed a drug
test. Everything important to me was falling apart. My life was in
shambles and

I had no one to blame but myself.

I got pregnant for my second child in January of 2009, and I knew that
this was it, this was my ONE chance to turn my life around. I only
found out I was pregnant at almost three months because my low body
weight had stopped me from having my period. I was so scared for my
baby because of the large amount of pills I had done not knowing I was
pregnant. But I was terrified to tell anyone out of fear that I would
lose not only my son, who meant the world to me, but also my unborn
baby. I had heard the horror stories of babies being born with extreme
withdrawal and weighing only 2 or 3 lbs. I cried myself to sleep
almost every night, disgusted with myself that I had unknowingly
exposed my baby to so many drugs. But I couldn’t just STOP, or I would
get so sick I couldn’t function. So I would try to do the smallest
amount possible just enough to curb the withdrawals

Finally, my boyfriend signed himself into the local deter clinic,
but I couldn’t sign myself in because we weren’t allowed to be in
residence at the same time. I was also afraid that if I told someone I
would lose my baby. While he was there they told him about the
Methadone Maintenance Program. It is a program where a licensed
methadone doctor prescribes you to a set dose of methadone, which is a
liquid that is mixed with orange Tang juice that you drink. It keeps
you from experiencing withdrawals, therefore allowing you to stop
using pills. You have to go to the pharmacy every day to get your
drink and there are conditions in order to qualify for the Methadone
Program. You must submit to random, frequent drug testing, must
abstain from any street drugs, especially Opiate are such as Hydro’s
and Oxy’s, you have to be addicted to opiates to be able to go on the
methadone program. Along with receiving you Methadone every day, you
also have to participate in group and individual therapy. And if you

Methadone is a liquid that is mixed with Tang orange juice.

think that you can go on Methadone for a high, think again, because it
blocks the opiate receptors in your brain. So if you do pills while
you are on Methadone, you won’t get the high you are craving.
Although, you could die because since you cannot feel the effects of
the opiate you are much more likely to take an overdose. I was four
months pregnant when I began the methadone program. The nurses and
doctors assured me that this was the best thing for my baby. Quitting
cold turkey would have been much more dangerous. There are no birth
defects caused by Methadone. It is a controlled dose that is closely
monitored by a doctor. It is far safer than using on the streets when
you are doing different amounts each day and it is being mixed with
god-knows-what by the dealer. Add that to the fact that many pill
users end up shooting up the drug and sharing needles and it is
clearly the better option. I am very lucky that my addiction never got
to the point of using needles.

I got to have a normal pregnancy and leave the drug life behind.
I was told by the nurses that because of the Methadone, when my baby
was born she (I found out it was a girl) would have to go to the NICU
for evaluation after birth. Her NICU stay would depend on whether or
not she was experiencing any withdrawals (withdrawals from Methadone
are similar to that of Hydro’s and Oxy’s, if you stop taking it
abruptly. So although I was clean from other drugs there was still
good hence that she would experience withdrawals from the methadone
itself. I was on a relatively low dose of methadone throughout the
remainder of my pregnancy, only 25 mgs. I got the distinct feeling
that my Gyro did not approve of me being on methadone. She told me
that my baby would probably be very small and need to be put on
Morphine to get weened from the Methadone. I was expecting her to have
to stay in the NICU for a minimum of four weeks..But that was
something I had to accept. I was so scared that my baby would be too
tiny and wouldn’t survive or that he would be in a lot of pain. I
hated myself for what I had done to this innocent baby. Not a day went
by that I didn’t pray and barter with god, “please lord, just let my
baby be okay and I promise I will never touch another drug again.”

My daughter Chanel's first day home from NICU, weighing only 5lbs1oz.

My daughter was born in September of 2009, weighing 5lbs 1 oz.
She was absolutely breathtaking. I remember crying uncontrollably
because I was so happy. She scored a 10 on both Apgar scores. They
brought her to the NICU where she stayed for four days before they let
us bring her home. She had no withdrawals, no ill effects from the
methadone, she was perfect. I thank god every single day for that.<br

Today that little baby’s name is Chanel and she is an amazing 16
month old, my son Cody is four and he is the sweetest, most adorable
and happy little boy, and my boyfriend at the time is now my fiancée
and we have been together ten years and counting. I look back on
everything that we have been through together and I am so grateful for
where I am today as opposed to where I could have ended up. I am still
on methadone and I hope to soon begin the process of weening down
from it. My fiancée is also on it and he has already begun to ween
down from it. I have worked very hard to put my life back together. I have slowely gained back the trust of my family and friends, but my addiction will always be in the back of their mind. I can walk down the street without everyone talking about me, and even if they are, I don’t really xare anymore. I have had to pay for the things that I have done, even after I stopped using. My best friend that I had since second grade- we were totally inseperable-does not talk to me anymore. I just got off of probation last year for theft charges stemming from when I was using. I still run into people that I have ripped off or owe money to from when I was an addict, although not too many now, I have done my best to make right with everyone I have wronged. Hopefully, in the future we will be able get off of the
methadone altogether, but for the time being I am forever grateful
that I decided to go on the methadone program. I truly believe it
saved my family and probably our lives. I have been clean from drugs
for almost two years now and I am happier and healthier then I have
ever been. I am back to weighing a healthy 135lbs and a size 9. My
fiancée is clean also and my children are two of the most amazing

Happier times at a family gathering, drug free for a year.

little people ever. They are absolutely adorable and incredibly smart.
I am now the mother that I always wanted to be and for the first time in a long time I am excited for what the future has in store for me. I now live my life on my own terms instead of letting the drugs
control me. I am forever grateful that I can share my happy ending
with the world, when there have been so many people that weren’t so
lucky.

2 Responses to “Confession’s of a Junkie”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 4 1/2 monthes to a BRAND NEW, BIKINI READY ME!! « *~Moonstruck Mama~* - February 17, 2011

    […] Confession’s of a Junkie […]

  2. Fraud, weight loss and Everything in between! « *~Moonstruck Mama~* - March 6, 2011

    […] Confession’s of a Junkie […]

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